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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28838829">supernatural one shots</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkworm/pseuds/deang1rl'>deang1rl (pinkworm)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Castiel and Dean Winchester and Sam Winchester are Jack Kline's Parents, Castiel and Dean Winchester are Claire Novak's Parents, Castiel in the Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Destiel Wedding, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Sam Winchester's Demonic Powers, deancas wedding, jack kline is a baby</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 13:55:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,223</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28838829</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkworm/pseuds/deang1rl</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>just some one shots i have written, ignoring everything that happened on the show (not really but yeah)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>64</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. trial and error</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>in a happier, better written spn universe, this happened.<br/>castiel has a date. sam prepares him for the most of it. but what about the real things? dean would help him, won't he? he's his best friend after all.<br/>fellas is it gay to help your angel friend practise kissing?</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“What if she doesn’t like the colour blue?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>God, Cas was really getting on his nerves. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It looks good on you Cas, I am sure she will like it,” Sam said patiently.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And what if roses make her allergic?” Cas pointed at the bouquet on the table.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dude.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s take our chances, shall we?” Sam said, smiling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas nodded like a child. Dean looked up from the magazine he was pretending to be engrossed in. He wished he hadn’t. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas was wearing a blue shirt with two of his buttons undone, and his hair was having the best case of bed hair, He was standing with his hands on his waist, listening intently to everything Sam was telling him (“compliment her as soon as you see her,” “what if I don’t want to?” “Cas, it doesn’t work that way!”).</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes seemed to be bluer than ever that day, and Dean was taken by surprise when Cas looked at him and caught him staring.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean, do I look alright?” he asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean nodded. “Yeah man, she showed interest so don’t worry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Exactly, don’t fret so much!” Sam said, taking his ringing phone out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas nodded, looking at them one by one. He sat down on the motel bed, his hands in his lap.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam was talking in monosyllables, excited about whatever it was the other person was saying. He got off the phone, all smiles. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Dean, remember the book on Indian witchcraft I was searching for? And the dude Bobby wanted me to talk to?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean made an affirmative noise. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, he’s finally back from wherever he was, and he has the book. He wants to meet me today!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Great, so you both have dates today,” Dean said. “But hey man, that’s awesome.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am gonna go. Goodluck Cas, you’ll do great!” Sam took hold of his jacket and backpack and made his way out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Call me if something goes wrong,” Dean shouted after him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think he’s completely capable of taking care of himself, Dean,” Cas said in that controlled voice of his. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t stop worrying just like that you know,” Dean replied. “Even though you’re right.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas smiled. He continued sitting like that, which made Dean uncomfortable. The dude really could be stoic for as long as he wanted to. That was also why Dean would sometimes forget that he was in the room and just get lost in thought. When he would come out of his reverie he would be shocked to see Cas staring at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lately however, this hadn’t been a problem, as Dean could focus on nothing else apart from Cas when the latter was around him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Today was one of those instances. Cas was wearing a blue shirt, and black trousers. He had recently asked a girl out, after Sam and Dean pointed out that she was interested in him (“How can you make that out from our limited trips to this diner?”). She seemed about to faint when he asked her out, and invited him over to her place for a date. He still had an hour and a half before he had to go. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So, you nervous?” Dean asked, trying to make conversation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Cas, my boy, you are what they call endearing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No one, forget it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is it a good thing?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean nodded. “Yes it is.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas smiled. “What are you reading?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean nodded at the magazine vaguely. “Cars, what is in fashion. I don’t know, just passing time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you mind talking to me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean shook his head. “Don’t have anything better to do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you,” Cas said. “Do you remember your first date?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was so long ago man, I don’t even know. I remember she was wearing a red t-shirt though, for some reason. Oh, I also remember I didn’t have any money so she paid for the soda which we drank by the motel door.. I think I was thirteen?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That sounds quite romantic for a couple of thirteen year olds.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Part of my charm, what else,” Dean grinned.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will take your word for it. What about an adult date?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean pondered over it. “I haven’t been on one of those recently. It’s mostly just been sex now, or nothing at all.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is sex bad?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s funny that </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> are asking me,” Dean said, clearly amused by the joke. “But no, it’s one of the greatest things ever. But sometimes I want more than that you know, I mean, I want to take someone out, kiss them, listen to them talk about random things. But you can’t have it all,” he finished, his gaze lingering a little longer than necessary. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas stared back at him, his eyes devoid of any sort of human reaction.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But don’t worry, you got it, you’ll be fine. You have to try everything to know what you prefer right?” Dean said, hoping he was being helpful. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas nodded slowly. “I don’t know how to kiss though,” he said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean looked at him surprised, unsure what to say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, I know what it is, but I’m not sure how it’s supposed to be done, practically?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haven’t you seen it in the movies which you have been watching every night?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Again, I’ve only seen it,” Cas shrugged. “And I thought it was all fake, just like in porn.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean choked on his spit. “I mean, you’re not entirely wrong. But it’s totally different. Porn just makes you have an unrealistic standard fo sex, and it’s not healthy, whereas when people kiss in movies, you can dream of having a moment like that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas glumly considered everything Dean had just said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you help me?” he said, finally.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Help how?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just give me some pointers, how I should behave, how to initiate kissing, etc,” Cas asked, and he sounded so hopeful that Dean found himself agreeing. He stopped himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s just weird dude, how can I help you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just tell me how I am supposed to navigate, please. I do not want that nice lady to have an unfortunate experience.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean looked at him, unsure what he was supposed to do next. Cas looked so good, and he smelt great too, probably because he was using Dean’s deodorant.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, so, you talk to her,” Dean started. Cas got up from the bed and sat on the sofa right next to Dean. Dean backed away as far as he could, steadying his breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Talk to her, what she likes, how her day was, answer her questions, in a human way, let her order her food herself. If she goes to the washroom-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait for her, don’t order. Compliment her, et, etc. Sam told me all of this,” Cas said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then what do you want to know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The kissing part. What all am I supposed to do?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean looked away, cursing God. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look for signals. She will give you an opening - a lingering look, a brush of hands, something like that,” he said, looking at Cas’ lips. They were leaning towards each other now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You will know if she wants you to kiss her, then you lean and kiss her, hold her arms, or put a hand on her neck and hold her waist with the other. If she likes it rough, do it against a wall, I guess that’s all,” Dean said, still staring at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas was now face to face with him, staring at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you like it rough?” he enquired.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why’re you asking me?” Dean asked incredulously. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just curious, I guess..”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It depends man, sometimes I like it soft and slow. Sometimes I like it when the other person takes charge,” he said, his voice softer now. This was awkward.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I ask something of youDean?” Cas asked, his voice steady.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you pretend to be my date?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean was stunned. He wanted to throw a bottle at himself. He looked away, hoping his face wasn’t red. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What, no, what are you talking about?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, like, let’s pretend. So that I know what I am up against.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Dean mumbled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean sighed. He was going to hate himself for this. But then, anything for Cas. He really wanted someone to barge in and hit him on the head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean turned to face him as Cas sat down again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, you are talking to her, and nothing else is left, she looks at you,” Dean says, looking at Cas.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like you’re looking at me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No? I don’t know how she will look at you,” Dean said, indignantly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now she’ll probably hold your hand,” Dean said as he took Cas’ hand in his, ever so lightly. “Or just look at you longer than necessary.” They stared at each other, something melting away in Dean, perhaps all the restrictions he had put on himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then?” Cas asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When you feel it, lean forward, and kiss her. You both should close your eyes like the movies, it just happens,” Dean said and before he could continue, Cas had leaned forward and pressed his lips awkwardly to his. His mouth was open and Dean could taste mouthwash and sunlight. He had never tasted the latter and he never thought he would be able to, ever.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas held tightly onto Dean’s hand and when Dean opened his eyes, still hesitant, he saw that Cas’ eyes were closed. Fuck it, he thought, and kissed him back, returning the pressure in his hand which in turn pressed on his thigh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They broke apart a few moments later, and Dean looked at his hands, shyly. He was so afraid that someone (his father) would be barging through the door right now, but he was also giddy. This was just so unexpected, yet not something unthinkable for him, as he had spent many moments looking at Cas, the way which was not usual between friends.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My hand was on your thigh, what about my other hand?” Cas asked, innocently as if he hadn;t just unlocked something inside of Dean. Dean wanted to kiss him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas repeated the question. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, put it on her neck as I said, and slowly move it to her chest I guess,” he said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas pulled Dean up and put one of his hands on his neck and the other on his chest and kissed him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean was sure this was some fever dream or maybe God was playing tricks on his mind because why not? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took hold of Cas’ shoulders lightly, and then increased the intensity of pressure as they kissed more desperately than earlier. Dean could feel a sense of urgency in him, because he knew this was something which was never going to happen again and he would have new broken feelings to deal with now, but right now, he was kissing an angel, who seemed to be reaching into his chest and holding his heart delicately.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This time when they broke apart, Dean staggered back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your chest is quite firm Dean, it’s really nice.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, don’t say that to her though.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas smiled. “Women have different bodily structures, yes I get it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean smiled awkwardly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You should get going,” he said, lightly, wiping his lips with the back of his hand. It seemed like they were stained with something strong, something which was now a part of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I shall get going now. Thank you Dean, I appreciated our kiss together.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean just awkwardly waved his hands around. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next three hours were painful. He read the book Sam was reading, he even washed his socks. He looked at his phone, hoping there was some new monster and Sam needed his help. God, he was so lonely. He wondered whether it was worth going to a bar and getting drunk and making out with someone who was less holy, less “leaves your head reeling.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was staring at the ceiling, when Sam walked in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey man, Cas on his date huh?” he commented.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean grunted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you so mopey?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean grunted again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I’ll leave you to your pity party, I just came to get my journal. I will be late tonight. This dude is so knowledgeable, I want to get as much out of him as I can.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam just shot him a weird look and went out. It wasn’t something new; Dean was used to being weird once in a while. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean had almost dozed off when he saw a familiar beige figure sitting on the bed, staring at him. Cas. In his trenchcoat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, how was your date?” Dean asked, getting up. He went to the bathroom.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He returned to find Cas sitting on the bed morose. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did she not turn up?” Dean asked, taking a swig of the beer which was on the bedside table.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh she was there. We had fun. She is into philately, prefers cats over dogs, is a natural blonde, her father married thrice,” Cas said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sounds like the whole package. What went wrong then?” Dean sat down next to him. Everything from a few hours came tumbling down on his head and lodged itself in his brain. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I kissed her. Touched her neck, waist, breasts.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s the problem then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It did not feel the way it did with you. And with you it felt nice. Like how I assume they are supposed to feel in the movies.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean stared at him, his stomach doing somersaults. “Huh,” he said laughing awkwardly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It felt like I liked kissing you more than her,” Cas said, looking at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh,” was all Dean could manage.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas stared at him. “I think it’s because I like you Dean. Or, is it-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, don’t say it. You are just new at all this. Maybe because you’re gay and kissing dudes is your thing?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas stared at him, thinking about something. He got up and went out. Dean kept sitting there, still confused out of his wits. What the hell was happening? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas returned in ten minutes or so. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I kissed a guy, didn’t feel the same as with you,” he declared.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where’d you find a guy?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not important. Can I kiss you again? Do you feel the same?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s a lot of questions.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stood there, looking at each other, the air pregnant with anticipation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh fuck it, let’s do it,” Dean said and walked towards Cas, crashing his lips onto his and moving until Cas was against a wall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are quite hot, Dean,” Cas said and Dean laughed against his lips, his mind too full of the angel in front of him to think of a witty reply. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>surprise!</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>based on john winchester's diary, this is a very personal and heartbreaking concept to me</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I remember being seventeen, my hands bloody and dirty, the grime under my nails nothing compared to how filthy I felt on the inside. As I dug those graves, I understood. I understood that I was not acceptable to my father; my choices were not acceptable. As I thought of those nuns, as I thought of how scared they had been, all their lives, I wondered what would become of me. They decided to leave this world behind because love is supposed to find you over and over, in heaven and through hell. As the signs of disapproval my father sent me got imprinted at the back of my head, I thought, maybe dying would be easier than changing myself to fit his idea of me. I remember thinking (hoping) that if a messy haired boy walked up to me then and kissed me I would have taken him with me to the grave and possibly further, our hands in each other's hair, our limbs forming a beast - someone who could possibly take down the man who, I had started to think, didn't really love me.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>idk why i wrote that but here you go &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Confessional In The Back of An Impala</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>just a little something I wrote from dean's pov about cas</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>ty for reading check out my other story hehe</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There’s not a lot in me, not a lot of words, nor a lot of hope. When I was seven, my old man shot me in the chest in my dream. Or so he says at least, that it was a dream. Day in and day out I could feel the hole in my heart throb. Now that I am bigger than I was when seven, the hole has taken the shape of a man. People keep passing through it but no one fits, and it hurts. I feel like a carved out fruit, left to rot. I think I was the most rotten in Hell. I left it behind, but it didn’t leave me. I carried the stench with me, I carried the burning bodies with me back here. Everyday I looked at my hands and all I wanted to do was cut them off. I was so angry, so clueless, I kept trying to rid me of myself. </p><p> </p><p>Then something happened, as it always does. A person walked into my heart and stood in the archway shaped like a man, and he fit. It made my body ache. I even forgot I was faithless for a minute and got convinced this was God. I thought this is how I was supposed to go, with God exploding out of me. And then I didn’t. The man walked out and came stood in front of me - in a sad trenchcoat with his voice laced with determination. He pulled me through perdition, he said. I didn’t believe him. He showed me the proof. He had marked me. He had marked me where a friend keeps his hand to comfort you, he had left a reminder that I too was allowed to have my pain abated. </p><p> </p><p>An angel. He said He was an angel. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to laugh in his face because his God had sent him to watch over someone who was full of all things abhorrent. Someone irreparable. </p><p> </p><p>But he beat me to it. He laughed in my face, asking why I thought I wasn’t worth saving. How is one supposed to answer that? How was I to put the throbbing in my hands every time I did a killing into words? How was I to tell him that repentance didn’t come easy to me, and after Hell, she packed her bags and left me for good, shaking her head. Of course I believed I didn’t deserve to be saved, but I didn’t want to say it in case someone agreed. </p><p> </p><p>He stayed, nevertheless. He looked over me and after me. He came to me when I needed him, when I felt like I was five again. He came to me when I was spitting blood and when I was out for someone else’s. I thought this was going to work out after all.</p><p> </p><p>Only it didn’t. He would go away but his face wouldn't. He started coming to me in my dreams, in my solitary moments. I’d try to think of God and he’d be the one I’d see. I’d run away from my nightmares of Hell and I’d run into him. </p><p> </p><p>I had never had a best friend, he had never had someone to talk to, I think that made us what we were. I kept thinking this is how it was supposed to be - I’d let him change me and think nothing of it. I’d let him take one of the faithless men America was bursting at the seams with and mould him into someone with credence. That’s what I did. I let him put a knife through me and I let him bandage me afterwards. I was okay with it, I had never had a friend. I was going along with it until I wasn’t. </p><p> </p><p>I still don’t know whether I woke up one day and decided to look at him differently, or it was him, and his grace which turned me into who I am now. Maybe he didn’t even know that he was the cause, he was just letting me fall in love with him without a clue. I was his doing, and he was my undoing. I knew it for sure when he left me for a long time and I finally decided to heed his words and pray. </p><p> </p><p>I got on my knees, and I felt the ground underneath me laugh but I stayed put. I closed my eyes and got ready to ask for something for myself for once. I led my mind to the prayer but the only thing it would hum was his name. I was praying to him, I was hoping he’d hear me. That’s when I knew this wasn’t what I had been believing it to be. </p><p> </p><p>He came back, but he never told me whether he knew of the things I was doing. </p><p> </p><p>Now he’s here. We walk together and eat together. He talks to me and laughs at my jokes. I asked him if he would go away again and he said not without me. I think the pit in me started closing that day on. I have to tell you, there are a lot of moments when I have to physically stop myself from touching his face. At night I put my hand over his etched hand on my skin and that’s the closest I have got to him. It’s how I console myself. </p><p> </p><p>I see myself reflected back in his eyes and that’s the only time I don’t wince upon seeing myself. I deliberately do things which would be too careless of Dean Winchester from Before just so he can shake his head slightly and ask me what I would do without him. Maybe one day I will answer. Maybe one day I will tell him I would go back to hell and wait for him to pull me up again. And maybe this time, I will pull him down by the collar and kiss him. </p><p> </p><p>As I sit here with the summer breeze carrying my hopes and fears all over this city, I pray that it reaches him before he reaches this car and he knows it all without me having to say it. Maybe I will spare all this and kiss him right when he comes to sit next to me. Maybe he will hold my heart in his throat for a few moments and maybe that is how I will have divinity touch me. Maybe that is how I will be salvaged.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. wherever you're going, I'm going the same</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"But what was I supposed to do? You were my best friend. I thought that was as best as it was going to get."<br/>Dean is in heaven, and he finally says everything he's been holding in, and his prayers are answered.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hello, someone requested this on tumblr. if you're reading this, i hope you like it. the title is from frank ocean's moon river (i recommend you listen to the song after reading this, because why not?)(but like, do whatever you want, close the tab without reading this either)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>So this was Heaven. Dean looked at the wide expanse of green in front of him, nothing less than a sea from where he was standing on the cliff. He was walking a lot these days. Sure, driving Baby around with nothing to look out for was fun. Listening to songs with the windows rolled down was fun too. But after a while, all of it seemed pointless. The music turned to white noise which clung to his skin, the road turned into an endless way to nowhere. He looked around and saw how happy everyone was. All of them seemed to be having the time of their lives here. He stood there, wondering. <em>What went wrong with him?</em></p><p>As soon as he had started to think that, his mind was filled with images. </p><p>A beige trench coat, a hand on his arm, a face. A face full of tears and contentment. Dean took a sharp breath and felt gravels in his throat. He tried to choke back the tears, but couldn’t. </p><p>This is what he was driving away from, walking away from. But you cannot run from the truth. Not for long. No matter where he turned, what place he went to, he would keep running into thoughts of Castiel. It was understandable too; wasn’t this heaven designed by Cas? It only went on to show how much he thought about Dean and how time after time he had put his needs above his own. Over and over again. Never once did he show what he wanted for himself, never once did he falter. How was Dean supposed to know? But it was his fault too. <em>He should have asked. </em>Asked what? <em>How about, hey Cas, do you love someone? </em>Yeah, only if it were that easy. Dean rolled his eyes at his inner voice. </p><p>He wondered what Sammy would have advised him if he had asked him about it. He thought about what would have happened if he had spoken about it first, if he had listened to the chant of his heart to which he had grown familiar over time. What would he have said? Would it have made any difference? <em>It would have made all the difference. </em>He sniffled, not ready to live with this truth. It hurt. God it hurt so bad. </p><p>He looked around, at the nothingness that stretched beyond everything. He felt that the emptiness was a dagger which had been stuck inside him over and over again and now he was a hollowed out person.</p><p>He had never been this alone in his life, or after. He didn’t know what to do apart from what he had learnt to do the best. He got on his knees and looked at the sky. </p><p>“I should have said something you know,” he began. “I am not sure you’re listening to me now or not. I’d like to think you are, makes me feel less lonely. Makes it easier. That’s a lie. It’s not easy Cas. I am so alone. I cannot sleep or eat or drink anymore. All I can think of is how I should have said something.”</p><p>He paused. It seemed like the wind had stopped to listen. Everything was eerily quiet, like everything had bated breath, waiting for Dean to spill open. </p><p>“But what was I supposed to do? You were my best friend. I thought that was as best as it was going to get. You were my first best friend, my only actually. And I did not want to lose you. I was ready,” he looked at his hands, slumping further in the ground. “I was ready for us to stay that way as long as I had you near me.”</p><p>He wiped the tears which were now streaming down his face. He hadn’t mourned Cas until now. He had pushed it all further in him where he had hoped it would all turn to stone. Only it rose up, like wood in water, like fire embers. Now he did not know what to do with his hands, with all these words. He wanted Cas in front of him, he wanted to hold him. He wanted to touch his face, over and over, saying all these things to his face. </p><p>“You see, want has always been a dangerous thing for me. When I was young, I wanted my man to take me to a basketball game, I wanted him to cook for my brother and I…. I wanted him to talk to me about things other than murder. But, I didn’t get any of that. I spent my nights eating cereal, without milk mostly. I spent game days cleaning the house free of beer bottles, in case Sammy got hurt. I never got to look him in the eye and tell him how I had lost a mother too and how I wanted to be beyond all of it. So I decided, wanting things was not for me, I would never get it. But god knows how badly I wanted you. All my private moments with you were spent with me trying to remember as much as I could of you, so that if I did end up in hell again, I would have a face to dream of. I wanted you near me, skin next to my skin, so badly it made me hurt in places I thought didn’t exist in me.” </p><p>He never thought he would have said it all out loud like this. He could feel a stunned silence enveloping him and everything. He wondered whether anyone was listening. </p><p> </p><p>He laughed, a short, bitter laugh. “You are not here Cas! Didn’t you say you were supposed to watch over me, get me what I wanted? I want you. I want you Cas, you in your stupid trench coat and your stupid tie and,” he sighed. “Why did you keep bringing me back only to leave me alone in the end? I want us to be together. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.”</p><p>He was up on his feet now, looking around. He started to shout it out now. But the wind was still, and the words fell down right at his feet. “Cas! I love you! Take everything away from me right now if that will make you come to me…..Please,” he said, tired. He wiped his tears on the back of his face and stood silently. </p><p> </p><p>“I thought they were lying.” He heard a familiar voice. He whipped his head back. There he was, all of him, staring back at Dean. </p><p>“Cas,” he said softly, walking towards him. Cas too, made his way over to him, and they met halfway. </p><p>“How? I mean,” Dean asked, his words stumbling out of him. </p><p>“I was told if my love was returned, I would be given my form back. To complete the story you know. The Big Guy loves symmetry in his creations and stories,” he said, already teary eyed.</p><p>“Did you sacrifice yourself thinking I did not feel the same about you?” Dean asked, his hands already on Cas’s arms. </p><p>“I just, I didn’t know it could be returned. I was new at it all. All I could see when I saw you was my love for you. I never considered the possibility that you’d look at me the way I looked at you.”</p><p>“Oh, Cas,” Dean smiled, his words breezy. “If only you could <em>see </em>how I look at you.”</p><p>“I can see it now,” Cas said, looking at Dean, his eyes glassy. He held Dean’s forearms with his hands, and they stood like that, holding onto each other.</p><p>“I wish I had let you know all of it before all that happened,” Dean said. </p><p>“It doesn’t matter,” Cas said. He raised his right hand to touch Dean’s cheek. “I have never felt what I am feeling right now Dean, not even when I confessed.”</p><p>“What are you feeling?”</p><p>“Like there’s a sun beginning to take birth in me, like you and I are a list of endless possibilities.”</p><p>Dean nodded. He could feel his own heart opening up, the stone casket that had set over it breaking. </p><p>“When you pulled me out of Hell, you changed me. You touched me and left a reminder that I too could be touched with love, even if it burned. I don’t care if it burns if it’s you,” he said. </p><p>They looked at each other, acutely aware of each other’s bodies, the first time they were able to do that in the open. </p><p>“You have made me happy Dean.”</p><p>“I have failed you, I should have spoken long ago,” Dean said, his older self returning. </p><p>Cas shook his head and pulled Dean into a hug. “No. Never say that. You brought me back to life. You brought me back to the best version my life could have.”</p><p>Dean nodded, hugging him back. </p><p>“I feel like I’m capable of anything when you’re next to me,” Dean said. They broke apart and he led Cas to the edge of the cliff. </p><p>“Want to know how I used to feel like when you were around me?” he asked, and Cas looked at him in anticipation.</p><p>Dean pulled him closer and jumped down the cliff. </p><p>They ended next to each other, unhurt. “I know it’s heaven and all, but it’s all your doing,” Dean said, referring to his unscathed form. Cas laughed. </p><p>“I love you,” Dean said, looking at him, his voice soft. </p><p>“I love you too,” Cas said. He was about to say something else when Dean pulled him on top of him, pressing his lips to his. </p><p>Yeah, it was heaven alright. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hope you liked it. comments and kudos are welcome<br/>stay tender, stay warm. love you &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. one kiss is all it takes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>plantdadcas on tumblr had a cute prompt about sam praying to cas to just kiss dean winchester which made me write this!</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i am just putting all my one shots at once place so chances are you might have already read this on my account</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“What do you want for dinner?” Dean asked.</p><p>“Stop changing the topic Dean,” Cas said. </p><p>“You know I am not going to change my mind about it, right?” he replied coolly.</p><p>“It’s your words against mine and Sam’s. I think we win by majority,” Cas replied, looking at Sam who nodded.</p><p>“I don’t play by your rules,” Dean said and took a sip of his beer. </p><p>“You don’t play by any rules which will keep you alive huh?” Cas was starting to sound frustrated. Talking to Dean about things was so tough sometimes, he rarely backed down. Every time they had a job, he decided to take the most reckless route possible, because why not? He really thought he was in some action movie, a genre Cas was now well versed with, thanks to their movie nights literally every alternate day. </p><p>They were in Milwaukee, and some unknown evils were tormenting the people here - dead people coming alive whereas alive people dropping dead, it was fucking weird. But then, most things were weird with them.</p><p>Dean wanted to enter one of the graves which potentially led to an underground lair. They did not know how many of whatever these things were could possibly be there, they could be in double digits. Not even Sam and Dean could together could ward those many off. And to top it off, he had been attacked by a band of undead when he had gone out to inspect the scene. In daylight. And now he was insisting to go at night.</p><p>Cas just wanted them to be prepared and go there together. He wanted them to wait for Bobby, who said he would be there by next morning. Dean wanted to go in there, because “we can’t let them roam around freely for any long.” Yeah, sure. Let’s get killed instead.</p><p>Dean was looking at Cas, with an expression which was still foreign to Cas. He could make out disgust, fear, anger, frustration, sometimes sarcasm. But others, he was still confused about. Mostly with Dean. </p><p>He knew his own eyebrows were scrunched faintly as he tried to make sense of what Dean’s face was conveying. </p><p>“I think we should discuss it later,” Dean said.</p><p>“When? When you will be off in the dark of the night alone?” Cas said.</p><p>He heard Sam scoff. He looked at him. “You are bickering like a married couple, that’s all,” Sam replied.</p><p>Dean stared at him and then looked back at Cas. “Is that bad?”</p><p>“No, no it’s not,” Sam said, while he exchanged an ambiguous look with Dean who was glaring at his brother. “Anyways, Dean, you should listen to him. You can’t just go alone!”</p><p>“I know what I am dealing with. And I am not stopping you from coming with me,” he said, downing the remaining of his beer. </p><p>“Why can you not wait until tomorrow, just tell me,” Cas asked.</p><p>“I just want to get an early start, so that we can be done with it and get out of here soon. There’s another, bigger job down south- ghouls,  and I want to go there before the New Yorkers get there,” he said referring to the hunters from New York, the most annoying in all of America. “They’re a bunch of asses.”</p><p>“You could get hurt!” Cas said.</p><p>“Then come with me!”</p><p>“No, Bobby said to wait for him.”</p><p>“We have handled bigger things without Bobby.”</p><p>Cas sighed. He sat down dejectedly on the chair and looked at Sam who just offered him sympathetic glances. </p><p>“He’s not wrong though, we have handled bigger things than this,” he said when Dean was out of earshot. </p><p>“I trust you, but it’s his shoulder that I am worried about. He needs to rest a bit,” he said, sighing. He wasn’t getting it - how was Dean so casual when his left shoulder was literally bleeding at this given moment? He looked at Dean turning around to see the blood staining his shirt and making a disgusted face. </p><p>Sam and him shared looks again. </p><p>“Yeah, he thinks he’s invincible sometimes,” Sam said. “Being Dean Winchester would do that to you.” </p><p>He got up and went to Dean and pulled him lightly towards himself and guided him to the bed. “Can you now understand why I don’t want you to go?” he said.</p><p>Dean looked up at him, silent. “It’s fine. Just bandage it up and I’ll be ready to go. Or better yet, heal me?”</p><p>“No, I want you to rest for a while. I hope it’s hurting enough,” Cas deadpanned and Dean looked surprised.</p><p>“You’re mean.”</p><p>“You’re obstinate.”</p><p>They shared a look. Cas turned his back to Dean and got the first aid kit out of the drawer. He looked at Dean who was still looking at him. </p><p>“Take your shirt off,” Cas said gently. </p><p>“What, no?”</p><p>“I have seen you without your shirt Dean,” Cas said.</p><p>“Yeah but I was either very wounded and unconscious or in an appropriate setting.”</p><p>“This is an appropriate setting.”</p><p>Sam laughed and Dean glared at him. He then started unbuttoning his shirt slowly, looking everywhere but at Cas. He pulled out one of his sleeves, the left one and sat half naked from the torso up. </p><p>“I will bandage you like this but you will have to change into a fresh shirt nonetheless,” Cas said matter of factly, as he started wiping the wound. Dean winced a little. </p><p>Cas tried his best to not let his face give away how he felt on the inside. Every time he touched Dean, he could feel it in a layer underneath his skin. There was something intimate about touching Dean, something familiar - maybe because of how close he had been to Dean when he had raised him from literal Hell. He still wasn’t sure why he felt that way and he was now well versed with the innate human need of a personal space to feel Dean up and down until he had an explanation. He softly bandaged the wound and inspected the minor cuts around it, putting a band-aid wherever required. </p><p>He sat next to Dean and touched the cut on his forehead. The blood had dried up. He pulled out a piece of cotton and dipped it in antiseptic liquid and cleaned the wound. They were quite close now, if he leaned forward their noses would bump. </p><p>
  <em>Oh God just kiss already.</em>
</p><p>He heard a voice in his head. Sam’s.</p><p>
  <em>I mean, sorry for dragging God in this but he is literally making his silly puppy eyes at you and I will throw up any moment now. Cas, please, just look at him. I mean, you are looking at him. Oh, you can hear me. Don’t act so surprised. I am the one who is surprised right now. But anyways, now that you have tuned in  - I think you should kiss Dean. </em>
</p><p>Cas looked at Sam who was trying hard to keep his face stoic and then at Dean who was staring at him with a confused look on his face.</p><p>“What are you thinking about? That kinda stings so if you’d hurry up, it'd be better,” Dean said.</p><p>“Yeah, sorry,” Cas said, distractedly.</p><p>
  <em>I am tired of him pining for you, that dude literally tries to get your attention in all sorts of weird ways. I wouldn’t be surprised if him acting like a child about tonight is also because he likes it when you pay him undivided attention. Which you anyways do a lot, but like, not in a way he wants you know?</em>
</p><p>Cas looked at Dean who was looking at him shyly. Or maybe his imagination was fueled by Sam’s voice. He wiped his wound clean and applied an ointment before bandaging it. </p><p>He looked at Sam again who merely shrugged vaguely and walked out of the room. </p><p>“You’re all done,” Cas said.</p><p>“Great, I can now go, as soon as I change,” Dean said, backing up.</p><p>“Do you like troubling me?” Cas asked.</p><p>Dean looked at him. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“I don’t want you to go because I don’t want you to get hurt, but it seems like you just want to keep jumping into such situations,” he said, quietly.</p><p>“I never thought of it that way, I mean,” Dean was clearly at a loss for words. “I just, it feels like you only care for me when I am all bloody and bruised up, you know.” He was evading Cas’s eyes. </p><p>“That is not the case.”</p><p>They looked at each other. </p><p>
  <em>I don’t know what is happening, but I hope it leads to you both kissing. Half his frustration would be gone and he wouldn’t do such idiotic things. </em>
</p><p>Cas sighed. “I am going to do something, because I am being told it is something you want.”</p><p>“Okay?” Dean asked, confused.</p><p>Cas leaned forward, tipped Dean’s chin and pressed his lips to his. He got no response for the first second, until Dean gave in and kissed him back, his light scruff pressing against Cas’ face. Cas cupped his face in his and broke away, to stare at Dean.</p><p>“Is this what you wanted Dean?”</p><p>“Huh,” Dean said, his eyes carrying a look of surprise. </p><p>“I said-”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah,” Dean said and pulled him closer by his trench coat. </p><p> </p><p>An hour later Sam walked in, cautiously. Cas mouthed a thank you to him as one of his hands stroked the arm of the man lying in his lap, fast asleep. </p><p>Maybe he had finally found a way to win all his arguments with Dean. </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you for reading &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. if we only got a moment, give it to me now</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>basically, human emotions are complicated and in all the over the top things these men have to go through, i tried to fit in a sliver of tenderness, something so mundane and normal that it was a suprise for them. and yeah, cas smokes weed. </p><p>it was hastily written, as a writing practise but i don't entirely hate it so here we are.</p><p>title is from a song by perfume genius (slip away)</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hope you like it</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Isn’t she hot?” Dean asked, looking at the woman who had just bought him a drink. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh huh,” Sam said uninterested.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas just stared at the woman who was still making heart eyes at Dean from the other end of the room. Was buying drinks for someone a mating call? He made a mental note to ask Sam about it later on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, should I go and thank her properly huh?” Dean said, licking his lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop being a slut around me, that’s all,”Sam said tiredly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s your problem man? Maybe you should go and relieve yourself of all this pent up aggression, if you know what I mean,” Dean retorted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What does he mean?” Cas asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He is telling me to go have sex,” Sam said, downing another shot.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, okay,” he said knowingly and followed suit. “Are you tensed Dean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? No, but like, it feels good to get some attention ya know,” he answered absently.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas looked at the woman, who was still glancing frequently in Dean’s direction. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Now, Cas was sure she was a good woman. Probably the kindest on earth, after Dean obviously. Maybe she was a teacher who saved puppies and also helped old people cross roads. But in that specific moment, in that seedy bar, Cas really disliked her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t sure why. This wasn’t the first time he had felt this way. His time on earth as a human had made him gain a greater affinity for human emotions, which stayed even after all of his powers were restored. There was a sudden influx of all sorts of emotions which did make it easier for him to react to things, but it also left him completely clueless at times. Why was Sam not feeling this way? He was feeling annoyed, but that was the usual “my brother is a dumbass” kind of annoyed, which Cas knew he was not capable of feeling, as he had no brothers here. What he felt was different. It started in his brain and then made its way to his heart, if he hyper focused on it for too long. It always happened regarding Dean. Whenever Dean was talking to someone else who was not Cas or Sam or any of his immediate family, and seemed to be really enjoying it, Cas felt a weird urge to hold Dean’s face and turn it in his direction. He wanted to say </span>
  <em>
    <span>talk to me talk to me talk to me.</span>
  </em>
  <span> But he was sure that would be weird, because he had never seen anyone do that. He wanted to ask Sam about it, but he wasn’t how to approach the topic. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When will Charlie be here?” Sam asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She said she would be here in ten minutes or so the last time I called her,” Dean said. “Hey Cas should I send her a drink back?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you want to mate with her then, sure?” He said, hoping it was the right thing to say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas, you’re a funny one,” he said, drunk laughing. Drunk Dean smiled a lot, laughed a little louder than usual. It was honestly endearing to see. Cas wanted to get him drunk and say silly things just to see his crow’s feet crinkle when he laughed. He wasn’t sure if that too was a creepy thing. He would have to voice it out loud to gather from the brothers’ reactions. But he knew that not every thought was meant to be said out loud, as he had learnt after a lot of errors. He still remembered the way those two had screamed when he had told them in explicit detail his sexual adventures. Or the time he had asked them how to jerk off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean was still staring at the woman when Charlie walked in. She screamed excitedly upon seeing them and hugged them one by one. Cas hugged her back, now comfortable with the ways Charlie expressed affection with her friends. He also felt quite glad at the thought that he had a friend apart from the Winchesters. Not that they were bad company, but sometimes he felt like he was alone with them as one team. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look good Charlie,” Cas said, looking at her floral shirt. “I like your shirt.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look handsome as ever Cas, and thank you! I can get one for you too if you want,” she said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would like that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would like to see you in that shirt too,” Dean said, looking at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You would?” Cas asked, hopeful all of a sudden. He wasn’t really sure why but the thought of Dean seeing him in a floral shirt was a very pleasant one. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah why not,” he said. “Okay so Charlie, how are you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am fine, just missed you all,” she said, taking a shot from Sam. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How’s your job going?” Sam asked. Charlie was working at a tech firm. In her own words, ‘can’t live without money in this fugly capitalistic world.”’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Boring. But the receptionist is hot, and she often brings me a coffee at my table, so it’s not all bad,” she said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Charlie and secretary in a tree,” Dean half sang and Charlie laughed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Cas asked, clueless.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a weird thing which kids use to tease each other. A and B in the tree, K I S S I N G,” Sam explained. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas nodded, still not getting the appeal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They talked about things, caught up with each other. Calire wanted to accompany them the next time they had a case. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As much as we love hunting, I am personally enjoying these rare days off,” Dean said, sipping his beer. The woman who had sent him a drink had moved closer with her group of friends. Cas could see her and Dean exchanging glances. He tried to focus on other things. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, how are you?” Charlie asked him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am fine, how are you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Comme ci, comme ca,” she said and lit a cigarette. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean got up from his seat. Cas whipped his head in his direction. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be back,” he said, stretching, his waist visible when he raised his arms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay whore,” Sam said and Dean just rolled his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It must be easy being conventionally attractive,” Charlie said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you calling me ugly?" Sam said, jokingly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know I am not,” Charlie said, grinning. “I just mean, it’s good men are interested in Dean too. It’s so tough for me to figure out if a girl is into me or just being nice.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sucks,” Sam said. “I don’t get it but yeah that must be not nice.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Literally it sucks so much. For example, Naina, this receptionist, I don’t know if she is into women or not, and even though she and I do flirt once in a while, I cannot be totally sure. And like, I don’t wanna be friends with her I want to-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please don’t tell me. I get it,” Sam said. He didn;t know whom to trust anymore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about you Cas, anyone you like?” Charlie turned to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s up? You look lost,” she asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing,” he said. His mind was in a different dimension it seemed. All he could think about was Dean and what was he doing with that woman who had followed him in the washroom. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is such a lame place, let’s go out,” she said, getting up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They followed her in the night and stood against Baby. Charlie fished in her backpack and pulled out a joint. Sam did a little whoop. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas, ever smoked weed before?” She asked, lighting it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s see how it affects angels,” she grinned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She took a drag and passed it to Cas who mimicked her. He felt something sharp in his lungs and he exhaled at once. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, let it sit,” Sam said, taking it from him and showing him how to do it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nodded and took the joint. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You practise on that, we’ll share this one,” Charlie said, laughing, taking another one out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Cas didn’t need to practise, it was easy one he was told what to do. He smoked the entire joint, and he could feel something in him shift. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stood there, looking at each other.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sam you’d be a pretty girl, ”Charlie said. “I’d probably date you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d date you even if you weren’t a lesbian.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Isn’t that nice of you,” she giggled, holding onto the sleeves of the two men to balance herself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas started laughing. Something about the whole standing under a streetlight with two humans and smoking weed was so fucking funny to him. He could feel a certain lightness taking over him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why did Dean go with that dude?” He asked out loud, after they had stopped laughing about whatever they were laughing about. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh,” Sam asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is Dean doing in there with that woman?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, ” it took a while for Sam to remember Dean. “something along the lines of having sex?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?” Charlie asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just, I don’t want him in there with her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?” Charlie now looked at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don't know,” he sighed. “I just don’t like it when he talks to other people, or when they send him the mating call drink and he accepts. I didn’t like it when that girl Svetlana was over two nights ago,” he continued, referring to the girl Dean had brought over at the bunker. He had met her in the local diner. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie and Sam exchanged looks, their eyes wide and confused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anything else, Cas?” Charlie asked in an encouraging tone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know… I feel like I should be the one he should talk to you know, about things…” he paused. “I mean yeah, he has Sam, and I don’t mean he should ignore his brother but like what is the need of these other people? If he wants someone, I can be that someone, can I not? I mean?” He looked confused.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas, I am going to ask you something, and you have to think and answer, okay?” Sam said, looking at Charlie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure,” he said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you jealous of the people who are sleeping with Dean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas pondered over the question. “Now that you put it that way, yes I am.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want him to sleep with you?” Sam asked, physically cringing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe? I think so,” Cas said, with an air of finality. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie started laughing. “Oh my god, I knew it!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That you had a crush on Dean! See Sam? I am never wrong!” She was practically jumping up and down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You mean I have romantic feelings for Dean?” he asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“From what I hear, you have horny feelings for Dean, my dear Castiel,” she said, pulling his cheeks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“One day I will not be hearing about my brother’s sex life, but today is not the day,” Sam said. “This was the worst weed experience.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I apologise Sam,” Cas said and Sam just patted his shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now, you should go and talk to Dean about this,” Charlie said, already businesslike. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah she’s right,” Sam said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What am I supposed to say?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever you told us. Have you ever slept with a man?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas shook his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you bisexual? Gay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No idea,” he said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you so adorable Cas?” Charlie said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were still mulling over Cas’s problem when Dean walked out of the bar.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought y’all left me here,” he said, his voice giddy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Were just about to,” Sam said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> “Okay, who’s going to drive?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas will, he didn’t drink much, “ Sam said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Better be careful with her,” Dean said, throwing the keys at him. Cas nodded. He looked at Sam and Charlie who just nodded at him, high as hell.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They decided to drop Charlie by her apartment before making their way to the bunker. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cas pulled up and they got out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am going to sleep. Nobody bother me at all,” Sam yawned and went inside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Dean, are you tired?” Cas asked once Sam made a dramatic exit, mouthing “talk to him” at Cas. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to do that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not really buddy, what’s up?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span> “Do you wanna take a walk with me?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean nodded. “Sure.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They started walking on the sidewalk. The air was a little chilly and Dean rubbed his hands together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Being an angel must be cool, you don’t feel cold,” he commented.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Cas said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So… why are we walking?” Dean asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How was tonight?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was fun.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How was the woman you went to the bathroom with?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Damn Cas, nosy much?” Dean laughed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, did you enjoy it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The fuck you on Cas? Are you high?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but that’s besides the point. Do you enjoy sex?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you being such a Christian? And wait, you’re high?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am just asking, no judgement.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I like it,” Dean said, looking confused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Okay," he said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean looked at him, but said nothing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What about you, do you like having sex?" Dean asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah I think so," Cas replied. They were back to the front steps of the bunker. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We can go and pick out a chick for you tomorrow if you want," Dean offered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No, sorry. I am not like you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What do you mean by that?" Dean asked, getting defensive. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't find the need to sleep with everyone who'd pay me attention just because I like sex."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Whoa what's up with everyone slut shaming me today?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I mean, it just seems like you're a womaniser and you have no feelings," Cas wasn't sure where this was coming from but he was frustrated. It was a terrible feeling seeing Dean with other people. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Again with the preaching? The fuck you want me to do? Abstain?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I am no one to ask you to do anything," Cas replied. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, maybe if you sometimes ask me to do something I wouldn't have to sleep around," Dean said. His eyes widened. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What do you mean by that?" Cas asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Nothing," Dean mumbled. "Let's go inside."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, it's not fun being with Cas anymore right," Cas replied, all of his angst turning into phrases which he didn’t know he was capable of saying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You don't talk to me when there are other girls around, you sleep with them, and now you want to go inside."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What do you mean? I do talk to you," Dean offered, unconvincingly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, you start treating them all special and what not and I turn into 'yeah that’s just Cas' and I hate that. Just two days ago Svetlana was practically in your lap during breakfast,” Cas said, mildly surprised by his own bitter tone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean looked at him curiously. Cas looked away, unsure why he was feeling the way he was. He kind of </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew </span>
  </em>
  <span>why; Charlie and Sam had made him see it, but he did not want to embarrass himself in front of Dean. What if he ended up laughing at him and telling him to grow up or something like that? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe he had ruined everything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am sorry, no pda in front of you from now on.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not about </span>
  <em>
    <span>that </span>
  </em>
  <span>Dean,” Cas was frustrated now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is it about huh?” Dean asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing. You won’t get it,” Cas was feeling outright miserable for the first time in his life. The conversation was going nowhere. He was trying to say things without saying them and Dean was on an entirely different page than him. He decided to never get high again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You do not want me having sex, you don’t want me to see me with other people? I don’t care if you find it uncomfortable and your heavenly father is against it all or whatever but if I cannot have you it doesn’t mean I will become a celibate, okay?” As soon as the words left his mouth, Dean was looking shocked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas looked at him. “What did you say?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That you don’t want to tell me what’s wrong,” Dean said, unconvincingly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t say that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever. Let’s go,” Dean said and tugged at Cas’ sleeve. Cas felt desire springing inside of him and he held Dean’s hand. The latter looked at him and Cas returned the stare. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stood like that, in front of the door, the night air getting colder by the minute.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas, this is all stupid, neither of us are in our right minds, let’s go,” Dean said weakly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Cas said. Yeah, Dean was definitely drunk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They walked inside the house in silence, and parted ways when they reached Dean’s room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before walking away, Cas looked at Dean one last time. “You may be out of your mind Dean, but I am not. I heard what you said.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean looked at his hands. “I must have said it by mistake.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you mean that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean looked at Cas’s face, which was unreadable. He pondered over the question for a moment, and then nodded slowly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was one of the worst nights ever.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas started nodding. “Okay. Goodnight Dean.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, wait-” Dean said softly but it was a weak attempt. Cas walked to his room and shut the door quietly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt like a lot of ugly things were happening inside of him. But he also realised this was more than just physical desire. He didn’t just find Dean attractive, the way he’d find a moviestar attractive; his desire was rooted in the hope that maybe Dean wanted him too. He realised that the thing which made him aware of the heart inside of him was the wish that he got to hold Dean in his arms, and shield him from all bad things. And wasn’t this affection, in its most honest form?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas spent the entire night feeling miserable. If this is how it felt to have feelings for someone, why were humans so crazy about it?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*********</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What do you wanna do today?” Sam asked, when Dean got out of his room in the morning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He rubbed his eyes and poured a cup of coffee. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing. Might go to sleep again,” he said. He downed the entire coffee in less than a minute and made his way to the bathroom.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas entered from the front door just as Dean shut the bathroom.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Cas, morning,” Sam said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Morning Sam,” he replied.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where were you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Went out for a walk.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cool. Did you talk to him last night?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Cas tried to sound indifferent. “I’d rather not talk about it though, if you don’t mind.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam looked at him and then nodded, understanding. “Suit yourself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas toasted bread and made omelettes for the Winchesters. He was feeling terrible on the inside and he wished he had someone else to talk to about this. He felt lonely in that kitchen even though two of the people whom he had been the closest to were right there. Well, one of them was right there. As if on cue, Dean emerged from the bathroom, wearing a black t shirt, his hair wet and sticking to his forehead; it had grown quite a bit and Cas was honestly liking the scruff look, it gave Dean some sort of boyish charm. He told himself to not think of him or his charms at all. He turned back to the pan, after Dean waved at him awkwardly. He served them breakfast.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you not going to eat?” Sam asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t need it. Don’t feel like it,” he said, looking briefly at Dean who was very much interested in his food.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You alright Cas? Did the weed make you all crazy?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, it was fine. I enjoyed it, at least momentarily.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait, you got high together?” Dean’s head whipped up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Along with Charlie,” said Sam with a mouth full of eggs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What, why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why do you get high Dean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But what if it was not good for him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I can decide what is good for me or not,” Cas said and the brothers looked at him, both shocked in their own ways.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean looked away, and continued eating.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am going out, I will be back soon,” Cas said and made his way to the door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean watched him go.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dude, what did you do?” Sam asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He was pretty cool until last night, when you were with him. Did you say something to him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean thought back, and realised how he had accidentally confessed. Everything came back to him, a pile of stale and unpleasant memories. How Cas did not like what he said, how he had heard it all and was now annoyed. How he was against sex for some reason. It was such a tough and confusing night.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And now this. Cas was giving him the cold shoulder, Cas was ignoring him, Cas was smoking weed! Without him! It was honestly too much. When had Cas changed so much?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He finished up and put the dishes in the sink. He had nothing to do today, at least nothing related thunting. He decided to read more about Hell and tactics to use when fighting demons, and to rest a little. His ribs were still healing and it sometimes hurt to move around.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He went to his room to look for his phone which he found in last night’s jeans. He had four messages from an unknown number. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>hey dean, rin here </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>we met last night</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>hope u remember lol</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>anyways if you’re still around tonight wanna meet up again? had fun with you ;)</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span> The texts annoyed him so much. If he had not had his “whore moment” as Sam called them, he wouldn’t be in this position right now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He ignored the texts and laid down on his bed, picking up a book.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had almost dozed off when Sam opened his door. “Dean I am going out, I need new shirts. Do you want to come with me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, suit yourself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want something?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably a burger. Yeah, definitely a burger.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, cool.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam bid him goodbye. Dean got out of the bed. He checked Cas’s room to see if he had returned. It was empty. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He walked into the ‘living room’ and looked around. There was nothing to do. Standing here, with the sunlight pouring in and the comfortable silence of the bunker, Dean could almost pretend that the world wasn’t ending. But he was also made aware of how something in his own life was crumbling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had tried so hard to not look at Cas. He had tried to forget about him and the curve of his neck and his back and his hands and his face and his laughter. He drank, killed, slept with others, all in a way to stop his brain from thinking about that one person. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And now he had ruined it. He had said a stupid line and Cas had heard it and was now avoiding him. Were his feelings so disgusting? Was </span>
  <em>
    <span>he </span>
  </em>
  <span>a terrible person? Were his promiscuous ways actually something which had made Cas lose respect and faith in him?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suddenly the room was too hot, the stillness too loud. He wanted to shout but he knew he wouldn’t be able to. He wanted Cas. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sat at the table tiredly. He put his head on the table and tried to make himself not think of the things which hurt. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was spiralling in his own thoughts when the door opened. He looked up, hoping it to be Cas but it turned out to be Svetlana. The girl from a few days ago. They had helped her get rid of her sister’s ghost. Dean had slept with her twice, and had not thought of it more than that. Except now it only filled his mouth with distaste. Thinking about how Cas had been sitting at an arm’s length from him, resenting his choices that morning, he was overcome with feelings of shame. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You alone?” she asked, putting a casserole on the table.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Everything alright?” She asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, everything is just perfect,” he said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You seem tired,” she said, walking towards him. She stood next to him and turned his face to her in such a way that he was facing her chest. He felt uncomfortable. “Do you want me to help you in some way?” She was playing with his hair now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s alright,” he said and pulled himself as further as he could. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She stared at him. “Why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just like that,” he said. “Look, you’re great and-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am not looking for a relationship Dean. I am as casual about this as you are,” she said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t wanna do this. I am tired of being casual about things,” he said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, I am getting a feeling that this is about something else,” she said, stepping away. He looked away, not meeting her eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am just done with things,” he said, feeling the heaviness taking over.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She moved ahead again and held him close to him. “Why do you let the world defeat you, old man?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wanted to be held that way for a long long time. He also wanted Cas to be the one to hold him. He did not move at all, and let the soft fabric of Svetlana’s tshirt caress his cheek. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They were interrupted by the door being opened again. He raised his head to see who it was and he felt his heart flatlining at the sight of Cas, who was looking at them with wide eyes. Before he could say anything, Cas had regained composure and went inside his room, muttering something along the lines of an apology.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean stood up with a start. “You should go,” he said, suddenly tense. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I, uh,” he waved his hands around helplessly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is it about him?” she asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean looked at the closed door and nodded. “I mean, I-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span> Svetlana smiled. “I get it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean nodded, not sure if she actually did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She touched his cheek softly. “Don’t mess up with the people you are close to, yours isn’t the age to forge new relationships.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He considered what she said and put his hand on hers which was still on his cheek.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Take care Svetlana, thank you,” he said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You too Dean Winchester,” she said and blew him a kiss before going out the door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean stood there, staring at the door which led to Cas’s room. He wondered what he was supposed to say. He decided to just go with it. All his life he had been ruined by fear, and now wasn’t the time for it. If he was to be rejected, he wanted it to be honest and to his face. He deserved to have his love be known. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He laughed quietly, he had never in his life thought he would be in such a situation. He pressed his shirt down and made his way to Cas’s room.</span>
</p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>As soon as Cas shut the door to his room, he could hear his own heart laughing bitterly. Dean didn’t care. At all. He felt ready to dissolve into a puddle of disappointment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He did not hate Svetlana, nor did he hate Dean for liking her, but seeing them together, like that, it hurt his hands and his heart and his head. If he weren’t dignified, he would have collapsed on the floor in front of them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe he was making a big deal out of it all. Maybe humans weren’t capable of feeling things with such intensity and there had been some mixup when he had got his grace back. He took his trench coat and sat on the bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could hear faint murmurs from outside but he made no attempt at eavesdropping. After a few moments, he heard the front door shut. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe they had decided to go away somewhere together; maybe her place, or wherever one went. He looked around, trying to find something to focus on but failing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wondered if this is how it was going to be with Dean; them avoiding each other, averting eyes, reaching out to other people in order to not end up turning to each other. How was he supposed to cope with that? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked back at all the times Dean and he had gotten extremely close, gotten intimate in a way which Cas failed to be with anyone else. He had always thought Dean too shared this with him and him only. But then whenever it seemed like they had reached a concrete point, Dean would laugh and slap his back or walk away or make up some excuse. And then go and sleep with someone else.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Why was Cas mixing it all up? Dean was his best friend, and Cas had feelings for him and now he had to contain it all inside of him and carry on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was still deep in thought when Dean opened the door and peeked inside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Cas, you free?” he asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” he replied, surprised at how hoarse his voice sounded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You alright?” Dean asked, walking in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas nodded and shifted a little as Dean sat next to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat in silence, Cas acutely aware of every fibre of Dean’s body. He could just touch him right now if he wanted to. He could. He wanted to. But he would not. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am sorry about what you saw out there,” Dean started. “I know I promised you last night that there would be no more pda in your space but it wasn’t what it looked like.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay Dean, it really is,” Cas said. “I am not blaming you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Dean said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was quiet again. Cas didn’t know how to break the silence. He had never thought he'd be in such a situation with Dean so he had never bothered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We weren't going to have sex or anything," Dean said softly, almost guiltily. Cas felt so bad about it that he almost put his hand on Dean's shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Please don't stop because of me," he finally managed to say. "All of this is quite silly if you ask me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's not. I don't want you to think of me as a bad person because of my habits. I don't like sleeping around, I do it for my own reasons. But I will not do it if it makes you uncomfortable. I cannot sabotage our friendship for stupid things like these."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Dean," Cas said, and Dean looked up. "I don't judge you. I was just confused and high last night, I was saying things just like that. You didn't understand what I meant, and I have no right to tell you whom to sleep with or whatever. Let's move past this. Do whatever you want."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I can't move past this with you dismissing it like it's no big deal!" Dean said, exasperated. "I don't want you to think of me as someone who's dirty."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't think that. I am aware of human desire, and I don't want to make you suppress it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just,” and here Dean slumped into himself. “You don’t understand.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Make me,” Cas said, softly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It will leave me empty, Cas,” Dean replied, glancing in his direction and Cas felt the need to embrace him. But he didn’t.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe it’s just you overthinking it,” Cas said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. I have seen how you look at me with distaste, and you made it quite evident last night, when we talked. You hate it all, and that ”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas almost gasped audibly. Was this really what Dean thought? He looked at Dean, who looked back at him, with so much unhappiness in his eyes that it made Cas want to spill everything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean,” he started. “I don’t look at you with distaste. I do not hate you - please stop thinking that. I think you are one of the nicest people on earth, probably the best according to me. I am sorry I reacted that way yesterday, I was thinking about some things and I made it about you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean looked at him, his face still. Cas wanted him to break into one of his smiles so badly. He ached to touch his face. They were now incredibly close, he wasn’t sure when that happened. It made it worse, but it also felt so good.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t hate you either Cas,” Dean said. Cas nodded. “I just wished I was brave.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His words lingered in the air the way their eyes did over each other’s faces. Cas was sure he was reading too much into it. But he could swear Dean leaned forward a little, just a little. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas could feel the words on the tip of his tongue. The sunlight in his room had given him a new clarity and he knew it wasn’t just mere attraction, it was more. It was so much more. But he knew it was wrong. All of it was wrong. He didn’t deserve it. He was going to get his heart broken. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He backed up and looked away. That broke the reverie Dean was in too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am sorry, I will still try to not do it all in front of you,” he said finally.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas sighed. “That’s not what it is about.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is it about?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I cannot tell you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably the same reason you cannot be brave.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas looked at his hands, feeling miserable and anxious. Why was it not easy to just say it? He could feel the words in his mouth, making him feel like he had just had a jar of honey. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas, you may be entirely wrong about it, you don’t know what I mean,” Dean replied, sounding scared and tired. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All I am saying is you don’t have to worry about things with me, you can take your chance. I don’t want to say something because I am afraid I will end up ruining a good thing in my life, probably the best thing in my life,” he could feel Dean looking at him. “Whereas you, you have Sam. You are going to end up on the other side, victorious. You have people who love you. You should take your chances. A life spent hiding isn’t a life at all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All I am saying is, I don’t want to lose you because of something foolish which I do. But I also want to see you happy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What if my happiness is in the hands of someone else?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then hold their hands,” Cas said, crying now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean held his hand and put it on his own heart. “You cannot blame me for what I am about to do,” he said and before Cas could even fully nod, Dean had pressed his lips to his. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This. This is what the humans were so crazy about. The feeling which seemed to be tiny fireworks going off everywhere in his body. He kissed back, trying his best, his head reeling. Was it actually happening? Yes it was. He held Dean’s chin with his free hand and broke free. He started to say something but nothing came out. He just let out a short laugh which Dean caught in his mouth as he kissed him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They broke apart after a while, looking at each other, breathless. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Was this real?” Cas asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The only real thing I have had in awhile,” Dean said and blushed. “I am sorry, I say stupid things,” he mumbled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas laughed. “Do you wanna know an actual stupid thing?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean nodded, smiling widely. Cas knew his own smile was as big as his. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay so last night, I uh, I was jealous of the girl you were with and I was going to tell you about it,” he said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean looked at him, surprised. “You were jealous?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were going to tell me about it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nodded again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Man, I lost an opportunity to hear you talk about feelings?” Dean said. “You were jealous last night? So the whole Svetlana thing was also…?” he trailed off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Cas said, looking away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean laughed. “Oh my god, and here I was thinking you were slut shaming me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I was simply shaming you for not realizing that I love you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suddenly the room was still and the weight of Cas’s words fell on both of them. Dean’s eyes were wide, and Cas was sure he looked like the people in the movies when they came across ghosts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, you don’t have to say it back or even have similar feelings, I am currently just very pleased with what we did, that is kissing and I’d like it if we went back to it,” Cas started rambling. He was such a mess.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is indeed such a shame,” Dean said., “that I did not know about this earlier. We could have gotten together sooner.” He traced Cas’s left cheekbone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are we together?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, we love each other,” Dean said, softly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We do?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean nodded and kissed Cas’s cheeks. And then his forehead. And then his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas could feel all cells in his body bloom. This was what the big deal was all about. This was it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He held Dean’s face in his hands and kissed him back, everywhere he could. Top of his head, his forehead, his nose, his cheekbone scar, the corner of his lips, the base of his throat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The world might be coming to an end, and they might have to walk out of the room at any given moment but right now, with Dean under him, the sun rays engulfing them in a warmth neither had felt before, Cas had discovered the secrets of the universe in the hands of a man and nothing else mattered.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>kudos, feedback welcome. have a good day &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>kudos, feedback, comments appreciated &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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